generation gap

yes, gaps everywhere,

i think that's where communication comes in, to bridge these gaps.

Asian families often present big gaps when there are multiple generations living under the same roof. 

Western ones send their kids away to suffer with their peers.

Having experienced both I can now understand my frustration with the people that I should care about the most. My grandmom - she should be someone that I care about the most and love unconditionally.  I do, don't get me wrong, but she can gets very annoying on short notice if you don't pay attention.  What is there to pay attention to?  Well, your emotions, of course, and why you're having them.

I get frustrated, annoyed, angry.

Why?

Well, because she doesn't understand how I think but still wants to run my life.

Why do you think she want to run your life?

I mean it is the easiest answer in the world, it's so cliche it doesn't make sense to me anymore.  She cares about me and she wants me to have a good life.

So she doesn't mean any harm but you are still unhappy?

Well, yes.  Because she doesn't know me at all.

What doesn't she know about you?

Haha, good one, now that's exactly what I've been procrastinating on discovering.

What?

Understanding our differences, I grew up with her but along the way I changed and now we don't understand each other anymore.

What do you think changed and what caused these changes?

I went to America i'm sure.  My perspective on the world.  It is now different to the world the 15 year old Linh once knew.

In what way, could you elaborate or give a specific example?

well, Im not sure....

trying to reason myself out of guilt

if one's sense of responsibility is defined by their moral standard then how does one's level of enthusiasm toward this responsibility reveal/affect their moral?

you wouldn't know

but
these days...
i chop onions real well
these days...
i work till twelve
these days...
i live with stranger
these days...
i sit by the fire

you wouldn't know
but
these days...
got nothing to do with you

dumpster life

picking up the leftover of today's society - not a metaphor, just literally.
I live in a house where we dont have heat but a fireplace where we burn wood pallets that we find thrown away around town.
We went and got pallets today by the Art Supply Store dumpster.
Then on the walk back we visited the Trader Joe's dumpster and got a month worth of pasta, yogurt, cream cheese, a bouquet of flowers all still good and long before due date.
What jokes.
Perfectly good things are being thrown into the trash everywhere, everyday.  I originally entertained the idea of dumpster dive because of the idea of free food.  But then it really made more sense now that I have come to realized that we are helping our society to waste less things.  Not that we're making crazy big steps toward ending ridiculous food waste problem but we are helping by not buying which gives company less reason to make more food and more waste.  We are also helping to reduce the amount of food waste by actually eating it and feeding other people.
.....

i dont really want to right now but topic for another discussion - the spoiled brats that we have become as a product of the modern society where surplus of products are thrown away and not used to their full potential.

the night ong noi called

my granddad called me on the phone tonight.
It was strange.
He sounded so happy to hear from me and wanted to know if I want him to send a thousand dollar to help with my financial situation.
He also wanted me to come home for vietnamese new year to see them.
He said he love me and miss me much.
Then he said that they- my grandparents - are getting weak that they have to visit the hospital every month.

It was sad.
I want to go home and see them.
I almost wanted to cry to hear him so worried about not seeing me and so happy that he had heard my voice on the phone at the same time.
I love them and miss them a lot too.
I trembled at the thought of not seeing them again.

It was conflicting.
I want to go home to see them and spend time with them before too late.
I don't want to go home to see my dad and having to spend time being my dad's son.
I hate that they love me and care about me because I am their son and grandson and not because they really know who I am and how I think and what I believe in.
I love that they love and care for me unconditionally because I am their son and their grandson.

But I think I might have realized something.
I have been too selfish to wanting my own identity as a person - american term "you"
and
not wanting to play my role in the society, particularly in my family "the son", "the grandson" - vietnamese.

They love me and it is cruel of me to not realize and appreciate their wants and need.  They just want to know and spend time with their "grandson" - maybe the title doesn't really say much about who I am as a person but it says a lot about our relationship and our blood relation.  I have created and been responsible for enough things and people to be able to imagine the love one has to something else that one is related to or dedicated to.  A person's life time is a long time and I'm sure my grandparents have been through a lot.  They are on their way back into the earth and what does one think about toward the end of one's life? their life! and maybe what they have learned, experienced, achieved and created.  And with the Vietnamese patriarchic culture where the male carries the family name and with that the family blood line and honor, "chau dich ton" or the son of the only son has a lot of meaning to someone like my grandparents.  I've been calling this bullshit and have been trying to ignore the fact.  But no matter how I feel toward it, I am still the "chau dich ton" to my grandparents, and I have started to realized how important and sentimental this is for them.  I have only been thinking about myself and how I feel about the situation.
I should go to hell, if there is one.

waiting

i'm always waiting
for things to happen
so i can re-act

hello 3AM

We meet again
First it was novel and excitin.
But I know soon enough you're just going to be another thing that I need to get rid of.

I got emotions,
by the truck load
and they all come out when you're around.

I have need,
but it seems
that all that happens at 3 is unreasonable wants

you're not helpful,
I dont even want you around,
yet we're here again.