my granddad called me on the phone tonight.
It was strange.
He sounded so happy to hear from me and wanted to know if I want him to send a thousand dollar to help with my financial situation.
He also wanted me to come home for vietnamese new year to see them.
He said he love me and miss me much.
Then he said that they- my grandparents - are getting weak that they have to visit the hospital every month.
It was sad.
I want to go home and see them.
I almost wanted to cry to hear him so worried about not seeing me and so happy that he had heard my voice on the phone at the same time.
I love them and miss them a lot too.
I trembled at the thought of not seeing them again.
It was conflicting.
I want to go home to see them and spend time with them before too late.
I don't want to go home to see my dad and having to spend time being my dad's son.
I hate that they love me and care about me because I am their son and grandson and not because they really know who I am and how I think and what I believe in.
I love that they love and care for me unconditionally because I am their son and their grandson.
But I think I might have realized something.
I have been too selfish to wanting my own identity as a person - american term "you"
and
not wanting to play my role in the society, particularly in my family "the son", "the grandson" - vietnamese.
They love me and it is cruel of me to not realize and appreciate their wants and need. They just want to know and spend time with their "grandson" - maybe the title doesn't really say much about who I am as a person but it says a lot about our relationship and our blood relation. I have created and been responsible for enough things and people to be able to imagine the love one has to something else that one is related to or dedicated to. A person's life time is a long time and I'm sure my grandparents have been through a lot. They are on their way back into the earth and what does one think about toward the end of one's life? their life! and maybe what they have learned, experienced, achieved and created. And with the Vietnamese patriarchic culture where the male carries the family name and with that the family blood line and honor, "chau dich ton" or the son of the only son has a lot of meaning to someone like my grandparents. I've been calling this bullshit and have been trying to ignore the fact. But no matter how I feel toward it, I am still the "chau dich ton" to my grandparents, and I have started to realized how important and sentimental this is for them. I have only been thinking about myself and how I feel about the situation.
I should go to hell, if there is one.
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